My OCD (kind of?)

Obsessive-Cumpulsive Disorder. First of all, I apologise if anyone who’s got this disorder feels offended; that was not my point because I don’t even know if I actually have OCD, also because I’m more likely to suffer from OCPD (Obsessive-Cumpulsive Personality Disorder); still, I hate self-diagnosis so, until I’m not medically sure, I’d suggest you not take my words too seriously.

At school, among my friends and basically at any place where I spend a great amount of time per week, I’m known as the “lunatic girl”. I’ve got this nickname because of my attitude based on enjoying simmetry and neat and tidy things. For example, I can’t stand the view of a pen laid on the table without its cap. That drives me insane. At first, when I saw that happen, I used to ask the pen owner to close their pen and they would look at me in a strange way (I could almost read above their eyes “What is wrong with you?”) but eventually they did close their pen, because I didn’t dare ask anyone who was not a person I knew well. 

Lately, unfortunately, I’ve “worsened”: I don’t care if I know you or if I don’t, I just need to close that damn pen. And that’s a curse because I realise myself that I’m annoying when I do such stuff. I just can’t help it, I’m becoming almost obsessed over this stupid thing.

Furthermore, when I’m walking down a street, I phisically cannot cross a road if it doesn’t have any zebra crossing. That might sound funny in a way but believe me when I say that, because of this, I’m daily late because if I ever get to cross some paths with no pedestrian crossing, as soon as I see some, I feel the need to walk over them several times. It’s crazy, I know, but I just can’t help it. And that’s why it really does hurt my feelings when what I consider to be my closest friends react with an odd face to this part of my personality; obviously, if I barely know you and you’re making fun of me by, for example, leaving some pens without their cap on a desk near me, I’ll just laugh and close them; obviously I’ll be already thinking about how my revenge will end up because of your rudeness but when you’re a friend of mine and, still, you behave this way, I’d like to let you know that you’re hurting my feelings; because I love you and you love me and there should be some respect between us.

Probably one of my worst memories ever dates back of a few months ago: me, seeing all the chaos (open and cluttered books, pen-cases and pens of course, notebooks and a lot more) on my school desk; it was all made by some friends of mine and that’s what makes me angry the most. They were laughing their back off because, apparently, it looked fun to them, while I was about to cry; fixing everything the right way was not enough. I felt betrayed because they didn’t understand how much that behaviour bothered me.

Anyway, I’ve got a few more “disturbing” habits but I think I’ll stop it now, because 1) these are the ones which affect my life the most and 2) I want this article to have an end. So, guys, today my final teaching is: you don’t need to explain your feelings to people who can’t understand you, do what makes you feel better and haters, back off.

PS. Taking this photo took me a few seconds but just looking at it bothers me on a spiritual level and gives me some sort of minor anxiety. I’d ask you to appreciate my effort! 

@layalke 🐍

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