All the stories that we could’ve told

▶ One day – Asaf Avidan

Words might help when communicating, but music is on a whole new level.

If the year were a house and the days were the bricks, today would be the heaviest to carry. I began to feel this weightness over a month ago; “Damn, 10th April is so close”. The fact is not that today I’ve woken up and remembered just after a while; I’ve been waiting for today for such a long time, just as I do every year, just as I’ll do for the rest of my forever empty life. No victimism here: I’ll always feel a void, a blank by this point of view.

My heart is becoming drier and drier. No more tears, not as often as before, at least. Does that mean I’m overcoming it or I’m just slowly stopping to care about it? I just wonder how can something so big make you feel incomplete and, still, almost indifferent. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever had to bear, believe me. 

I don’t think about you all the time, but when I do I wish I hadn’t. It’s as if you used to have a flower, the most beautiful flower of your entire garden, and someone just stole it from you. The less you think about it, about what you miss and will never have back, the better you feel, don’t you? That’s why my mind is not always on your image; not because I’m trying to ignore or avoid you nor because I’m willing to forget you, it’s just for my mental health’s sake. 

I know you won’t blame me but I needed to explain. That’s the whole truth actually: I need to explain. I need someone who’ll want to listen to our story because they’ll want to understand it, because they will want to understand me. I’m looking for someone who’ll take my hands and whisper: “I want to know you through him and vice versa”. If I find that person, that means they’ll love me just half of how much you used to and I’ll be the luckiest. 

I’ll be waiting for you, just as you’ll do for me. We’ll meet again, I promise. Our story isn’t over yet

@layalke 🐍

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